BOLO: Stolen Portfolio Case, Circa 1995

Because I hadn’t been kicked in the nuts in nearly 24 hours, my car was broken into in the staff parking lot yesterday. One of the guards came up around 6:00 PM to see who drove a gray Passat. It’s smokey blue but I knew it was mine. Some wingnut broke the driver’s side rear window to steal my portfolio case of mediocre mechanicals from when I attended the Art Institute of Pittsburgh in 1995. I guess they would have taken the other, bigger, AIP bag I’ve been toting from place to place for 15 years but it weighs over 20 pounds and won’t fit through a window. There wasn’t anything else of value in the car. The stolen case isn’t even leather. The two cases have been in the back seat since I moved. I kinda forgot they were there. I’m slightly bummed about the print copies of the Blue Ribbon Coalition newsletter I edited in about 1992. That was my first job out of college and this was way before PDF archives.

Then I had a full-on vertigo attack last night at 8:09 PM, my first in nearly 8 weeks. It feels like the vertigo was saying, “Hah! I scoff at your Dramamine. See? I caused you to puke it up. Where is your precious Valium now, huh? I will not be denied. Mwahahaha!”

High Praise Indeed

Today at work I got one of the nicest compliments from one of my library kids. One of our regulars, we’ll call him AA-E, told me I do a lot for them and if I ever needed a reference from a patron he’d help me out.

Now Here’s Something Interesting

According to this New York Times Interactive whatever-it-is, white, women, aged 24-44, college educated have an unemployment rate of 3.6% compared to 8.6% for all people. I wonder how accurate these numbers are as my library goes into yet another round of cuts, 30% to be exact, rather than the previously identified 7.5%.

Hands Off in the Library

Today on the desk, DW caught a masterbator. Sort of. The kid on the PC next to the monkey spanker actually noticed first. The kid convinced a friend to go get one of us (DW was the lucky one and I am so jealous). He didn’t say anything, didn’t even look up. Just said he needed help and pointed to a Word document where he had typed, “That guy is jacking off.” DW was confused. Everything was spelled right. Maybe the kid had stepped away from his PC without locking it and one of his friends typed up an inappropriate message. Finally the kid typed an arrow next to the sentence and said, “Now do you see the problem?” Finally DW caught the drift and called the guards. The chicken choker CLAIMED he was itching his leg. I love this job.

Vampire Reading Room

There’s a funny sign floating around in library circles that says something like, “Welcome to the vampire reading room, formerly the teen area.” It seems like every third patron (teen or otherwise) comes in looking for Twilight (funny review of the series, just so you don’t have to read any of those peices of crap). But every fourth patron, behind the second wanting manga and the first wanting books from a reading list, asks for fantasy.

Heard (and Seen) at Work

Been a while since I posted funny/disgusting things said and done by the teens at my library. Here are two little nuggets.

• “What would Jesus do?” Uttered by a boy playing Super Smash Brothers.
• Nose picking and consuming by a girl of about 16 with a name that means desire in French. Bit of a misnomer, that.

Another Step Toward Higher Education

I have received email confirmation that my application to the SIRLS program at UofA (check me out, using acronyms already!) was received and more information is needed. For instance, I completely and utterly forgot that I attended the Community College of Allegheny County when I lived in Pittsburgh the first time. This was about 1987 so I may be forgiven. But the UofA caught onto this immediately. The transcripts should be coming forthwith. I will also need to update my application since four months have elapsed between the University’s application and the receipt of the program application. It took me that long just to scare up both my recommendation letters. They were totally stellar and worth the wait. I got a little misty and aw-shucks when I was provided a preview.

Water Sprite in the Fountain

Last week at work was a weird one. Not for me personally; that was pretty well business as usual. I mean for the library as a whole. A bunch of bizarre things happened, the guards were kept hopping and it wasn’t even a full moon. First, there were a few separate drunken patron incidents. That’s not the unusual part, happens all the time.* The first real shenangin was the water sprite. That’s what I call him. One of our homeless patrons got duded up on all his duds (minus underpants) for his trip to the library. All that clothing got heavy and started to droop, way down. Instead of asking at the reference desk how to fashion a belt, he began to frolic in the reflecting pool on the first floor. Let me just say, that water is loaded with chemicals. We’re all surprised his skin didn’t melt off. But it didn’t and he refused to leave the pool. The only reason he got out voluntarily is he heard one of our security gates go off and thought we were electrifying the pool. At this point in the story, everyone says, “Yeah, I wish.” Anyhoo, he did get out and was escorted out by the police. Our head guard would later report, “He was half naked and not the good half.” The next unusual happenstance was the corpse of a (former) patron found in the park behind the library. He was last seen tottering out after having refused medical attention.
* It must be a proud moment in your life to get booted from the public library for being trashed.

Library Epiphany

Had a library epiphany today, thanks to Jenn and Marlene. The reason I’m meant to work with teens (and maybe someday, adults) rather than children is, if they crap their pants it’s not my responsibility. I can politely ask them to take care of it. And their mothers don’t sniff their butts.

So Very Butch

Diana and the Teen Council decorated all the headphones to cut down on theft. Although why anyone would steal these things in the first place is a major mystery. They are huge and don’t have great sound. But the plan seems to be working. We are getting them all back these days. I wish you all could see how our kids look with giant, land-the-space-shuttle black headphones festooned with ribbon, lace and glitter. So very butch.